Thursday, December 30, 2010

Hilarious Craigslist Personal Ad

I made brief reference to this post from MarkyMark in my fisking of Liz Jones, and realised that it deserved its own place in the sun. Rather than just blockquote MarkyMark, I'm going to reproduce the original ad in its entirety, presented without comment or abridgement.

My Boyfriend Application and Test

First, a little about me. I'm a 20-year-old good looking blonde attending University. I'm tired of wasting my time, so I have formulated some mandatory criteria in part A and part B is based on points.

Part A

1) You must be born male. Sorry, no trannies, I'll need to see a birth certificate.

2) You must own something to wear to a formal reception.

3) You must not own or ever wear birkenstocks, crocs footwear or randy river jeans.

4) All your parts need to be in good working order, further testing will need to be conducted of course.

5) I can't accept a regular drug user. Despite BC culture, I am including weed.

6) You must own at least four collared dress shirts. You need to look presentable standing next to me.

7) Your height must be proportional to your weight using the standard AMA guidelines.

8) You have to have lived in Victoria for at least two consecutive years.

9) You must have a photo which was taken in the last 3 months.

10) English must be your first language. Sorry, I'm not a part-time ESL teacher.

If you meet all of the requirements above then you may continue, if not, then you are now dismissed but thank you for applying to be my boyfriend.

Now: give yourself two points for each of the following criteria you meet

Part B

1) You have (or are working on) a post secondary degree.

2) You own a car and have a valid driver's license. Suspended for DUIs: minus 10 points.

3) You've never worn Ed Hardy, Affliction or any other Christian Audigier affiliated brand.

4) You follow at least one professional sport.

5) You have skills in bed. Not because you think you do, because your past experiences have told you.

6) You are not a born again Christian, Jehovah's Witness or any other kind of religious fanatic.

7) You have been to at least three countries outside of North America.

8) You don't need to call a handy man if something breaks around the house.

9) You know how to cook a meal for two.

10) You like stepping out of your bubble and trying new things like cuisine or bungee jumping.

11) You can make it through a romantic comedy without complaining (we don't have to tell your friends).

12) You have a great sense of humour. Are people laughing with you, or at you?

13) You can plan a good date without any help or advice from me. "I don't know, what do you want to do" isn't an answer.

14) You work out and enjoy being physically active. I hit the gym regularly, you should too.

15) You have a job that requires more than a high school diploma.

16) You ride a motorcycle. I love to go riding.

17) You have a 5 year goal.

18) You aren't afraid of being yourself, even if you have a dorky side.

19) You're competitive, and I don't mean you like to battle it out with your WoW buddies on the weekends.

20) You know how to dance.

If you have a score of 30+ then please contact me immediately. If you scored between 20-30 pts, you can contact me, but I don't have a lot of hope for our future relationship. If you did not score high enough, then please do not contact me, but if at some time in the future you are able to improve yourself and meet the minimum requirements, then you may re-apply.

You MUST respond with your age (this is a creeper free zone, 20-26 year olds only please) and your picture.

I thank you in advance for your application, however, only successful candidates will receive a response.

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